Hurry up and wait. Did you know that that’s what foreigners think of us Indians? But it is true you know. There is no point taking offence. We do like to hurry up and wait. We start getting ready for tomorrow from yesterday all the while thinking we are going to be late. Everyone hurries everyone else up, gets ready and waits for god knows what. No community is without this particular eccentricity. We are a nation infamous for our unplanned tardiness.
Like any other Indian community the South Indian community has its own peculiarities, with the multitude of reasons for tardiness being the least of it all. The first of many is that, that for some insane reason, South Indians like their weddings to take place in the early mornings. Even before the sun has decided that it will rise. Muhurat is invariably between 3.00 am to 6.00 am. The bride is made to change into nearly 6 different sarees within a span of 2 hours while the groom watches and waits in a dhoti transparent enough for the underwear’s brand to show through. It’s really, really difficult to be gleefully energetic and happy so early. Why, you tell me, should I wake up so ridiculously early or rather not sleep at all the previous night only to watch them throw coloured rice balls in all directions? Of course one of them, hurled like one of Shohaib Akhtar’s missiles, landing on an innocent Uncle’s face and thereby dislodging his specs, makes it worthwhile. One can also become incredibly heartless when deprived of sleep for many, consecutive nights. Anyhow, incredibly, that’s the highlight of the morning or rather night. The rice ball throwing and the moment when the Mangalsutra is tied around the bride’s neck are the key moments that have Aunties scrambling about in their stiff silk sarees seeking out the best vantage points. The ceremony itself is like a church choir, because, as if one priest is not enough, there is pack of them for chorus and backing vocals. Himmesh is no competition for the early morning nasal screeching. Their vocal chords are situated right in their nasal cavities and are equipped with an unnerving capacity to reach glass shattering pitch. I swear to you, when the chorus begins, it’s like a buzzing bee hive.
And the amount of blinding jewellery, oh. my. God! The shiny, never-dulling bling! We Indians single-handedly deplete the world’s resource of this ore and are responsible for the increasing prices. More than catching up with long lost relatives, more attention is given to who’s wearing what. Apparently most South Indians haven’t heard of silver or pearls or any other type of jewellery not yellow in colour. Being simple and dressing down would involve only 3 gold chains, 4 gold bangles on each hand and one silk saree, either blue or red or green with gold zari border. And lot’s of powder on the face (Foundation? What is that?). Never mind that it’s blisteringly hot in the hall, what with the 100 plus guests and the ceremonial fire blazing in the mandap. No, we want powder and heavy, uncomfortable things to cover ourselves with (I also suspect that the number one cause for our tardiness is all the jewellery and the one-inch layer of powder). Perfume, by the way, is not supposed to be light, floral and haunting that leaves a pleasant fragrance behind. It is a good perfume only when it smells like the concentrate of all the flowers in the world.
Marriage leads to more marriages. What else can you expect when such occasions are treated like a party thrown by a marriage bureau? Seemingly innocuous questions are thrown at you; “What do you? Ahaan… How old are you? Accha… And where do you live?” And just when you thought you were safe, the gleeful smile on that Auntie’s face reveals her sinister leanings. You should get up and run when she starts grinning widely at you and pats your hand. Such personality traits are often overtly visible during certain situations. It’s a sight to see when a bunch of girls go up on stage to wish the couple. All eyes, that were busy with other things, suddenly and rapidly swivel towards the stage, eagerly screening out the potentials and categorizing them into ‘Definitely pursue’ and ‘Out of the question’. It’s rarely the latter. The chase ends only with ‘I’m already married.’
Although there are less than desirable characteristics of this community, there is also a side that is rather endearing. They can be frustratingly orthodox and conservative but they are also fiercely loyal and adamantly helpful. The community itself feels like an extended family which can be at times good and at times bad. But what is undeniable is that the feeling of being included and accepted as if you were just another distant relative, which is quite common in other Indian communities and not just the South Indians, is unmatched by any other country, regardless of however late we all may be.
